So I was just sitting here thinking about stuff when I got a sudden wave of choir nostalgia. "The Lord Bless You and Keep You" was a song we always sang at the end of every choir concert as a kind of final prayer for everyone before we departed. It was a song we sang together before big trips to make sure we had a safe journey. I randomly had this bright idea that, "OMG the Central Singers Alumni page on facebook HAS to have concert videos right?" Wrong. There are none. And there are none on YouTube except of our show choir, which I was disappointingly never a part of. Oh well. Sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to my old friends from high school. I miss it. I miss those simple days when you didn't really think that much about where you were going in life. Back then, it was easier for me to focus on the "here and now" rather than the "what if." Maybe I should start talking to Ariel again. I miss her. I need to start being more social again in general. The sad truth is I need friends in my life. And for some reason, it's just not happening up here. What do I do?
I had this kind of "skip ahead to the future" thought while I was laying in bed, still awake. I feel like I'm going to be just like my mom later, never being able to sleep. She gets maybe 3 or 4 hours in every night before she gives up and gets up for her first cup of coffee. I imagine having my first child later and being terrified of falling asleep because of the fear of not hearing it when it starts crying. Or that when something bad does happen to my kids, it will be while I'm sleeping. Because let's face it, I'm always sleeping. I'm sure I don't give myself enough credit. But there's always the fear in the back of my mind that I just won't make a good mother. And in a way I'm terrified of having children. Maybe I'm just not cut-out for it. But then there are ghetto people everywhere with kids. There are people that are so dumb I wish they would just fall over and die. And those people have kids. So there's that. I can't be that bad.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
I Woke Up to a Thunderstorm
I don't know why this makes me happy. The thunder is rolling and grumbling, and it sounds like nature decided to turn up the bass today.
Today's the last day of my summer class. I have no obligations until July 28th. I really want to go somewhere.
Today's the last day of my summer class. I have no obligations until July 28th. I really want to go somewhere.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Sappy Thoughts
It's Thursday, June 5th. 6:42 PM. As I said in my previous post, yes, I am in love. It might sound crazy and ridiculous. We've been dating for nearly five months. How could I know something like this? I don't know. There's something about this one. I don't know how it happened, but I can just never get enough of this guy. He makes me smile, he makes me upset, then somehow I end up laughing and smiling all over again. The last couple of months have just been a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I have temper tantrums. I get upset at stupid things. And then somehow he can calm me back down again. He gives amazing hugs. He's still a child even though he's almost exactly one year older than me. He has a shameless love for Disney movies and superheroes. An interesting combination of Batman, movies, and Target brought us together. I'd like to think that fate was also a big part of that.
He's at youth camp right now. He's been gone since Monday. I know he's in good hands, but I can't help but miss him all the same. I cried last night. I did it to myself, really. I don't know why, but I just felt extremely insecure about myself last night. We have these discussions all the time. He knows of my random fear that he'll leave me for someone else or that he'll eventually get bored of me. But for the first time, I really worried that he'd go back to one of his exes. It really doesn't make sense that it would happen though. As a person, he's very attached and loyal. He's like a puppy. And based on the stories he's told me, he's like a puppy that's been kicked too many times. I don't want that to happen anymore. He's too good of a guy for that, whether he believes it in his heart or not.
He's at youth camp right now. He's been gone since Monday. I know he's in good hands, but I can't help but miss him all the same. I cried last night. I did it to myself, really. I don't know why, but I just felt extremely insecure about myself last night. We have these discussions all the time. He knows of my random fear that he'll leave me for someone else or that he'll eventually get bored of me. But for the first time, I really worried that he'd go back to one of his exes. It really doesn't make sense that it would happen though. As a person, he's very attached and loyal. He's like a puppy. And based on the stories he's told me, he's like a puppy that's been kicked too many times. I don't want that to happen anymore. He's too good of a guy for that, whether he believes it in his heart or not.
Who Am I?
The truth is...I don't even know. That sounds incredibly dramatic and cliche, but honestly, who the hell am I? I feel like I knew at one point. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I knew where I wanted to go. But now what? I've been in school for nearly four years and have accomplished nothing.
Let's see. Let's start at the beginning.
I was born in Songtan in the beautiful country of South Korea. My small family moved to Texas when I was all of two years old. We lived in a sketchy apartment in Irving - it's really a crappy place. My dad has told me stories of putting up with the area at least for a little while, until one evening when he was coming home from work and a group of black teenage boys were throwing rocks and things at a little girl who lived in our complex. She was quite a bit younger than them - probably around five or six years old. This was the deciding factor for him. We moved to a house in Fort Worth and that's where I grew up. I met my best friend in Kindergarten. We're still great friends today, but every day, I wonder if we lost our connection somewhere. I mean, yeah we talk but I don't know if I really effect her as much as I once did.
When I was growing up, all I wanted to do was finish grade school and go to college. I wanted to go to Texas A&M, go to Vet School, and be a Veterinarian for the rest of my life. Sometime during High School, this completely changed. I don't really know where or when it happened. I do know that I was depressed during my Junior year. My grades went down. I'd been singing in choir since 5th grade and for the first time ever, I was unable to participate because of my grades. There were several times when I just wanted it all to end. I wasn't a genius, I wasn't good at any sports. I didn't have any major talents, and I wasn't even attractive. I had nothing going for me. So I thought to myself constantly, "What's the point?" I think the only thing keeping me alive at the time was the thought of my parents' grief and my fear of pain. Honestly, it was a selfish thought. I'm not writing any of this to make anyone feel bad or sorry for me. I don't want sympathy. I don't know who may be reading this, but maybe it would provide some kind of understanding to those who think they know who I am.
So of course there's a bright side to everything, right? I mentioned choir earlier. During the summer between my junior and senior year, I became very active in our TMEA All-State program. I wasn't an amazing singer, but the participation in singing for try-outs kept me preoccupied. It distracted me from myself and gave me something else to focus on. I went to choir camp at Tarleton State. I went to the choir camp that we held every year at our high school. In a way it was for the singing (can I just say I absolutely love singing?), but it was also an excuse to be social with my friends. Before the new school year started, I got a personal call from my choir director (who we all called "Mama") who told me that she was impressed by how hard-working I was and had changed her mind about what choir she'd placed me in. She moved me up to Chamber Singers, which was our top varsity choir at the time. I was excited, not just for the kind of promotion, but also because I'd get to sing with my friends again that year. It all just got better from there. In All-State, I only made it to the regional try-outs. They placed me in the district choir, which was "meh," but acceptable still. Senior year was a good year. And it wasn't even because of prom. Prom fucking sucked.
So yeah, somewhere along the lines, I drove away from the idea of Vet School and decided I wanted to go to OU. I loved the campus. I loved that it was away from home. I wanted to go to the OU Health Science Center to study Radiology. Now I'm here studying Psychology. Why? I have no idea. I like it, and I can tell you the steps I took to get here, but I don't really know why it happened. It just did. I don't even know why I'm doing any of this anymore.
There's really only one single thing that I'm absolutely certain about - I love my boyfriend.
Let's see. Let's start at the beginning.
I was born in Songtan in the beautiful country of South Korea. My small family moved to Texas when I was all of two years old. We lived in a sketchy apartment in Irving - it's really a crappy place. My dad has told me stories of putting up with the area at least for a little while, until one evening when he was coming home from work and a group of black teenage boys were throwing rocks and things at a little girl who lived in our complex. She was quite a bit younger than them - probably around five or six years old. This was the deciding factor for him. We moved to a house in Fort Worth and that's where I grew up. I met my best friend in Kindergarten. We're still great friends today, but every day, I wonder if we lost our connection somewhere. I mean, yeah we talk but I don't know if I really effect her as much as I once did.
When I was growing up, all I wanted to do was finish grade school and go to college. I wanted to go to Texas A&M, go to Vet School, and be a Veterinarian for the rest of my life. Sometime during High School, this completely changed. I don't really know where or when it happened. I do know that I was depressed during my Junior year. My grades went down. I'd been singing in choir since 5th grade and for the first time ever, I was unable to participate because of my grades. There were several times when I just wanted it all to end. I wasn't a genius, I wasn't good at any sports. I didn't have any major talents, and I wasn't even attractive. I had nothing going for me. So I thought to myself constantly, "What's the point?" I think the only thing keeping me alive at the time was the thought of my parents' grief and my fear of pain. Honestly, it was a selfish thought. I'm not writing any of this to make anyone feel bad or sorry for me. I don't want sympathy. I don't know who may be reading this, but maybe it would provide some kind of understanding to those who think they know who I am.
So of course there's a bright side to everything, right? I mentioned choir earlier. During the summer between my junior and senior year, I became very active in our TMEA All-State program. I wasn't an amazing singer, but the participation in singing for try-outs kept me preoccupied. It distracted me from myself and gave me something else to focus on. I went to choir camp at Tarleton State. I went to the choir camp that we held every year at our high school. In a way it was for the singing (can I just say I absolutely love singing?), but it was also an excuse to be social with my friends. Before the new school year started, I got a personal call from my choir director (who we all called "Mama") who told me that she was impressed by how hard-working I was and had changed her mind about what choir she'd placed me in. She moved me up to Chamber Singers, which was our top varsity choir at the time. I was excited, not just for the kind of promotion, but also because I'd get to sing with my friends again that year. It all just got better from there. In All-State, I only made it to the regional try-outs. They placed me in the district choir, which was "meh," but acceptable still. Senior year was a good year. And it wasn't even because of prom. Prom fucking sucked.
So yeah, somewhere along the lines, I drove away from the idea of Vet School and decided I wanted to go to OU. I loved the campus. I loved that it was away from home. I wanted to go to the OU Health Science Center to study Radiology. Now I'm here studying Psychology. Why? I have no idea. I like it, and I can tell you the steps I took to get here, but I don't really know why it happened. It just did. I don't even know why I'm doing any of this anymore.
There's really only one single thing that I'm absolutely certain about - I love my boyfriend.
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